Matty's weblog of doom

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have signed up to dating sites before just to see what they were like. God, I hope people don’t judge me for that, I get so shy sometimes.

Anyway, I just get this in my email and it’s some kind of summary of people’s profiles. Usually I delete these straight off as I’m not interested in girls off the net, but a quick skim of a few key words in this profile and I couldn’t just ignore it. Must. See.

—————-
“MY SELF-SUMMARY
hi im a single mum with a go out and get what i want attitude, im a big girl with pride as a friend of mine said, im not shy and sometimes i dont no when to shut up, i love to have a rum after work and relax after the housework is done, im not a person for sharing as far as i am concerned whats urs is urs and whats mine is mine, romentic dinners i cant stand prefer a footy match and a pizza at home or going to the pub to watch the game (go the bronco’s) i dont need to be pampered just company is great”
—————-

Ok so lets see. Single mum… that’s ok. I’d probably still go for that. Fat? Well, maybe if she cleaned up well… Alcoholic? Hmm.. getting worse… Selfish? Ok… I’m starting to hate you… Enjoys manly things? I go out with girls because I love feminine energy, not because they’re men. Only the last line seems to have anything good in it.

So here we have a Fat, drunk, single mother who acts like a man and won’t share anything. Ding ding! We have a winner!

Dammit, why am I so mean…

- Matt

And for something nice, watch this:

I laughed.

So here it is.

- Matt

Wait until I’m inspired to write something that isn’t complete crap before I update for reals. Totally uninspired lately.

Today I have learnt something very important. From a music video I found on YouTube. This is the Magic Pill guys, this is it.

So basically, if you stalk a girl at her place of work she will give you sparkley-eyes and will talk to her friends about me. They will then giggle as I invite them to some event without giving them my name or number or taking theirs.

Later on, she will arrive at the event while still having sparkle eyes at you, however she will have a boyfriend with her. This guy will be a little douche-y but that’s OK. This is the woman of your dreams and you’ve been stalking her for a while so this is probably the farthest you’ve been with a girl for a while. You challenge the douche to a race.

You win this race. Her sparkle-eyes are even more sparkly, if possible. But she still stays with the boyfriend. However, you have a secret up your sleeve. You’re actually an internationally renown euro-trance dude and so you get up on stage where your beats are already playing and you serenade her into a kiss.

Gee, if I had known it was that easy, I wouldn’t bother!

- Matt